5. Baywatch
Director: Seth Gordon Starring: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario Kicking off our list is this year's adaptation of the hit '90s TV show of the same name. The trailers for this movie looked hilarious, it had a solid cast, and then the movie was just...nothing. I can't be too hard on Baywatch because I haven't actually seen the whole thing through. I saw most of it in my dorm just a few months ago, and it was exactly what I'd heard - a mostly bland, unfunny, slog that coasts on its stars. I love The Rock and Efron - and their chemistry is solid - but there's nothing here. The jokes all fall flat, the plot is nonsense, and there's some very sketchy special effects work. Although, funny story about this movie: about a month ago I was hanging out with some kids from my dorm, and one of 'em put on Baywatch. I saw more of it, and after awhile, I found it more enjoyable than I did the first time around. Still, it's pretty rotten. So here's to you, Baywatch, for earning the unrespectable title of Fifth Worst Film of 2017. |
4. Justice League
Director: Joss Whedon (and kinda Zack Snyder...?) Starring: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Gal Gadot, Ezra Miller Ohhhhh yes . . . I can already see the angry comments from DC fanboys. Sorry guys, but Justice League wasn't great. Look, in my review, I said it was "generic, mediocre, and redeemable." I stand by that. There's a lot of good here - Gadot and Cavill especially - but overall, the film is just another tired, paint-by-numbers superhero smackdown that apes the best parts of other movies *coughAvengerscough* while simultaneously diluting them. If this were a more extensive list, Justice League might not have made an appearance. But unfortunately, I didn't see that much cinematic crap this year. So call me a Marvel fanboy (which I am...), but I genuinely wish I didn't have to include Justice League here. Nevertheless, it was featureless enough to fall at number four today. |
3. Flatliners
Director: Niels Arden Oplev Starring: Ellen Page, Diego Luna, Kiefer Sutherland, and some other people probably Look, I really wanna be nice to Flatliners. Don't get me wrong, it's really bad. Never watch it. But quick peek behind the curtain here - yesterday I realized that I hadn't seen enough bad movies this year to finish this list, so I decided to rent something I'd heard was trash. I ended up choosing between The Emoji Movie and this, and I figured it would be less embarrassing when my parents saw Flatliners show up on their DVR. So I wanna be nice to it because had I not needed one more bad movie under my belt, I never would've seen it. But hey, let's talk Flatliners. Since I just saw it I've got more to say. Flatliners is pretty atrocious. I can't tell whether this movie is supposed to be supernatural horror, medical/sci-fi thriller, or inspirational drama. And I think no one writing Flatliners was quite sure either. Someone I know saw this in theaters, and he said "I can't recommend a movie that tries to cram seven genres into one." He wasn't wrong. But the biggest sin Flatliners commits is being incredibly booooooorrrrrring. SOOOOO BOOORRRING. You're never sure quite what's happening, most of what's happening is nonsense, and the movie never offers up any real answers. Props to my boy Diego Luna of Rogue One fame for trying his damnedest to save this sh!tshow. You put in a good effort, buddy. But it's still the third worst I saw in 2017. |
2. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
It's been said that those closest to you are often the ones who hurt you the most. And that's certainly the case for Kingsman: The Golden Circle. Is it the second worst film of 2017? Probably not. But it's the one that angers me the most because it should know better, so here we are. As I said in my review, my biggest problem with this movie is that it breaks the Kingsman universe. If we can cure gunshot wounds to the head, why should ever fear for the characters? There are no stakes. But we've also killed off Roxy and Merlin, two of the better characters here, in ways that don't leave much room for resurrection. Yeah, I guess Colin Firth got shot in the head and lived. But if the third movie comes out and the Kingsmen can also cure being blown to bits, I'll lose whatever respect I have left for this series. There's a lot more wrong with this movie, too. It's overlong, there are a lot of unnecessary side-plots, and it overdoes the crazy action effects that made the first Kingsman so unique. Now there are some great moments in this movie - the last action sequence set to a country cover of "Word Up!" really stands out - but overall this movie was an incredibly disappointing follow-up to an extraordinary film. And that's why it's my second worst film of 2017. |
1. Transformers: The Last Knight
Director: Michael "Flag Porn" Bay Starring: Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg, Laura Haddock, Josh Duhamel!, and SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS What's there to say, really? If you saw the debut of my "F-Minus Reviews," this really shouldn't be a surprise. I think everything I had to say about The Last Knight I said in my review, so I think I'll just start listing words that come to mind when I think of this movie: insane, silly, nonsense, stupid, boring, overlong, Bud Light, ridiculous, boom!, vaguely offensive, overtly offensive, childish, even more boring, painful, still going, so many explosions, what?, finally. And that's it. So congrats Michael Bay, for bringing us The Worst Film of 2017. Maybe next time, just don't. Ever. |
Dishonorable Mentions!
- The Boss Baby
Director: Tom McGrath Starring: Alec Baldwin, Steve Buscemi, Jimmy Kimmel, Lisa Kudrow Honestly, I've seen maybe 10 minutes of this movie. My brother had it on and I caught bits and pieces. But what I saw was nothing but hot nonsense. So hats off to The Boss Baby, for definitely having the most confusing premise of 2017. Is it fair to include the movie here? Probably not. But I run this website, I get to make calls like that. Whatever. |
- The Emoji Movie
Director: Tony Leondis Starring: T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Maya Rudolph Haven't seen it. Probably will never see it. Only seen reviews. But guys, c'mon. It's the FREAKING EMOJI MOVIE. Of course it's gonna be dogsh!t, and I feel like this list would be incomplete if I didn't at least mention it. Also Patrick Stewart plays poop. So there's that. |
That'll do it for this end-of-the-year list, stay tuned for my 2017 Bucket List! It's gonna be great. Hopefully.
Image & Info Sources
Baywatch Poster:
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Baywatch IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt1469304/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Flatliners (2017) Poster:
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Flatliners (2017) IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt2039338/?ref_=nv_sr_1
The Boss Baby Poster:
images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTg5MzUxNzgxNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTM2NzQ3MjI@._V1_UY268_CR1,0,182,268_AL
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The Boss Baby IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt3874544/?ref_=nv_sr_1
The Emoji Movie Poster:
images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTkzMzM3OTM2Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMDM0NDU3MjI@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_
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The Emoji Movie IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt4877122/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Goodbye meme: memegenerator.net/img/instances/500x/75166250/until-next-time.jpg