Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) Director: Michael "Explosions" Bay Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel (ND REPRESENT!!), Laura Haddock Genres: Action, Sci-Fi, (courtesy IMDb), Garbage IMDb Synopsis: "Autobots and Decepticons are at war, with humans on the sidelines. Optimus Prime is gone. The key to saving our future lies buried in the secrets of the past, in the hidden history of Transformers on Earth." |
*UPDATE*: I've now seen Star Wars, I've been thinking about it all weekend, and I'm still not ready to review it yet. I'd like to get one more viewing in before I make a call on it. So enjoy this instead!
aCTUAL lINES FROM THIS mOVIE
This one, which I put up top, is actually the first line I remember in the movie. It's right in the opening sequence, and it's what first tipped me off that it was as bad as everyone said it was.
"Except Cuba. Castro lets them sunbathe on his beaches." - Sir Anthony Hopkins or Sir Edmund Burton or whoever
This comes during some pointless opening narration. It's actually not a terrible line that I think was meant to be funny, but it causes more confusion than humor, I think.
"You wanna get punched in the face, like, really hard?" - Mark Wahlberg
One of my favorite lines from the movie. This is Mark Wahlberg threatening a child, if I remember correctly. Okay, it was "Cade Yeager," not the actor Mark Wahlberg. But it reminded me of that time Marky-Mark beat up a blind Vietnamese guy. Yeah, nobody really talks about that...
"I guess my invitation to this ass kickin' got lost in the mail!" - The transformer that John Goodman voices
I audibly groaned here.
"From you it just sounds vaguely racist." - Chief Somebody
So taken by itself, this is a fine joke that comes from a conversation between Mark Wahlberg and an American Indian police officer. The problem is that it's almost meta-racism, because these films have been so criticized previously for their racial stereotypes.
"I'm definitely gonna kill y'all mofos later." - Evil green transformer with a mohawk
This line, said in some kind of racist accent that I can't entirely place, made me audibly cringe. I didn't know that was possible, but I guess it is.
"I'LL SUCK YOUR BRAINS" - Berserker
So this line made me do a double take, and once I heard it, I couldn't help but notice a few more lines that use the word "suck" in a strange context. Michael Bay, what are you playing at?
"I told her . . . stay away from any guy in a band." - Mark Wahlberg
IT'S META BECAUSE MARKY-MARK WAS IN A BAND! GENIUS!!!
"Daytrader is a punk ass bitch." - Bumblebee, with a female AI's voicebox
Okay, I did actually chuckle at this line. It's not hilarious, but the delivery got me a little bit. However, it is the first of about 5000 uses of the word "bitch" that I caught.
"Come and get some you little bitch!"
I don't even remember what this was from.
"You and ripoff C-3PO over here."
This line attempts to hang a lantern on the fact that the robot butler "Cogman" is a blatant ripoff of C-3PO. It doesn't work.
"You want to know, don't you, duuuude." & "What a bitchin' ride she is." - Sir Anthony Hopkins
These lines tie for the honor of "Most Ridiculous Things We Got Sir Anthony Hopkins to Say On-Screen."
"I was making the moment more epic." - Cogman
Terrible joke with terrible delivery.
"One [planet] will suck the other dry."
See what I mean here? There's more...
"Move, bitch, get out of my way! Move, bitch, get out of my way!" - Cogman
WHAT THE ACTUAL F#CK IS THIS F#CKERY?!
"It knows we're here." - Marky-Mark & "We're gonna lose radio contact." - Josh Duhamel
Two meaningless lines of pseudo-exposition coming from characters that couldn't possibly know these things.
"My gears would be sucked into my mainshaft." - Cogman
Okay, I can't be the only one noticing this!
"I've got a Hail Mary, how about physics!" - Buster from Arrested Development
I think I'll stick to fingernail on chalkboards, please.
"Sting like a bee!" - Bumblebee, after his big moment
My exact notes from this part are "'Sting like a bee' has me catatonic."
And that's all I have for quotes! Don't worry, we're not through with this film yet!
Stuff this Movie Steals from Other, Probably Better Movies
- Star Wars: "Sqweeks," Cogman, TIE Fighters, Posters, Title
There's a small, scrappy transformer in this movie called "Sqweeks" that's basically a sh!ttier version of BB-8. Also I mentioned that Cogman is basically just discount, psychopathic C-3PO. They do try to brush it off by addressing it in-movie, but it falls flat. The "TRF" has a flock of drones that are basically TIE Fighters. The movie is called "The Last Knight," and this year we got "Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi," for Chrissake. Could be a coincidence, but take a look at the posters for both movies. Yeah... I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt. You gotta make better movies to earn that.
Yes, of all the things to plagiarize, apparently last year's trainwreck from the DC Elongated Universe made the cut. There's a segment where Megatron is listing off a bunch of Decepticons to be released, and they all get the same pointless, oh-so-edgy onscreen title cards that our beloved SKWAD members got. Congrats, Michael Bay. You failed harder than Suicide SKWAD.
- LOGAN, and MORE Star Wars!
So there's a small homeless girl in this movie who I didn't remember to include in my outline of the movie's plot. Shocker. But yeah, she's a plucky little kid from the wrong side of the tracks trying to join a larger fight. Sounds kinda like another, far more interesting protagonist...from a long time ago...with a name that rimes with "in a galaxy far, far, away..." (It's Rey!) Also, Mark Wahlberg begrudgingly takes this kid under his wing. Kinda like Wolverine does for X-23 in LOGAN. But hey, who am I to throw around wild accusations like that?
- "Sherlock" joke: There's a line in here about Cogsman being a sociopath, not a psychopath, that's ripped straight from a memorable moment in the BBC series "Sherlock. But whatevs.
Alright, that's probably not all the creative borrowing The Last Knight does, but it's all I've got in my notes. Onward!
More Random Crap Stuff about this Movie From My Notes
- The all-important staff that this "film" hinges upon isn't even mentioned in any previous Transformers movie
- There are some really awkward parts between young kids hitting on each other
- I was watching this movie with subtitles, and that's how I know there exists a language called "Olde Cybertronian" in the Transformers universe
- In all the reviews I've watched on this movie, everyone mentions that the film is edited in a way where the aspect ratio will randomly and pointlessly switch between the full IMAX ratio and the standard "black bars" ratio. I watched it on Amazon and it is noticeable, but less so.
- In the first twenty minutes of this film, there's another "guy gets punched in the face with a car tire" moment a la Transformers: Age of Extinction
- At any given moment this movie has up to five-and-a-half different plot threads all interwoven, and it's nearly impossible to follow
- Bumblebee has a brief dance break (okay, that was kinda fun...)
- Most of the side characters in this movie are incredibly obnoxious
- Did you think there wouldn't be incredibly overt Bud Light product placement? Boy, oh boy, were you wrong!
- Everything about this movie feels really fake. The parts that are meant to be awesome action or emotionally impactful just come off as hollow, robotic, and artificial. Kinda like a transformer!
- I can't think of one actual moment of character development in this movie. That's not to say there wasn't any, but it just got lost in the scuffle.
- One of my notes reads "If Cade and Vivian get together my faith in humanity is lost." A follow-up note, from an hour later, reads "Yeah there goes my faith in humanity."
- Just...all the humor in this movie. All of it.
- Another note of mine just says "It would be cool if I knew at all what was happening." Honestly, this movie made me question whether or not they made another Transformers movie in between 4 & 5, that's how lost I was.
- Lastly, it really is insufferably long.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
- Josh Duhamel as the military guy Lennox is truly a serviceable character. He's genuinely good in these movies, and it's a shame he doesn't show up in more things. Plus he's from my home state of North Dakota, where a fair amount of hero worship has built up around him. Seriously, watch the ads of him welcoming people into our state. It's incredible. And he's good in these movies. So here's to you, Josh Duhamel. I wish you had a better agent.
- Laura Haddock as Vivian Wembly, Cade Yeager's love interest. Her character is pretty poorly written, and she's written in a way where it's obvious that Bay is just overcompensating for the complaints of sexism that have been lobbed at these movies, but I think Ms. Haddock does her best with what she's given.
- Like I mentioned earlier, there's a handful of jokes in this movie that actually land for me. Unfortunately most of them either carry on too long, or they get buried in the avalanche of bad humor. I'd say this movie's comedic strike rate is 95% miss, 5% hit.
- There's a weapon in this movie that warps time. It's stupid and I hate it, but there's a fleeting moment near the end where it's used really well.
- Lastly, there are some genuinely cool shots of Cybertron colliding with Earth, even if nothing that's happening makes a lick of sense.
Image & Info Sources! (But life is largely meaningless, and so is this section...)
Transformers 5 Poster:
cdn-static.denofgeek.com/sites/denofgeek/files/styles/article_width/public/2017/06/transformers_the_last_knight_new_
poster.jpg?itok=Ks1uKPrO
Unpleasant Roadkill image: i.pinimg.com/736x/f3/e8/1a/f3e81a9bc812472668ddcf9815296a77--roads.jpg
Transformers 5 title card: i2.wp.com/smashcutculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Title.png?resize=750%2C410
Marky-Mark might not be a great guy story: www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/should-mark-wahlberg-be-
pardoned-1988-assault-n263831
Transformers 5 Poster again:
cdn-static.denofgeek.com/sites/denofgeek/files/styles/article_width/public/2017/06/transformers_the_last_knight_new_
poster.jpg?itok=Ks1uKPrO
The Last Jedi Poster: vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/c/c6/The_Last_Jedi_poster.jpg/revision/latest?
cb=20170414162955
Gruff-looking Marky-Mark image: www.imfdb.org/images/thumb/c/c8/TF5_326.jpg/600px-TF5_326.jpg
Gruff-looking Harrison Ford image:
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--fmHEujhw--/c_scale,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/tsbi9b27dkwa5a5ndlzg.png
Overeager Josh Duhamel advertisement: www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPYAE5yVaxw
Dumpster fire image:
www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoOXDJDU.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2Fgallery%2FoOXD
JDU&docid=x25olJvNGiUvEM&tbnid=FPaDiWkOCdn2qM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwjqlZ-ai6bYAhXE7IMKHfEDALgQMwj1ASgCMAI..i&w=358&h=500&bih=684&biw=1536&q=dumpster%20fire%20image&ved=0
ahUKEwjqlZ-ai6bYAhXE7IMKHfEDALgQMwj1ASgCMAI&iact=mrc&uact=8
Dupster fire meme using imgflip.com/memegenerator