Y’know, I convinced myself to just run em down real quick. Here ya go.
- Rambo: Last Blood
- Dark Phoenix
So… there you have it. The Top 10 Worst Films of 2019 are Rambo: Last Blood and Dark Phoenix.
The point is, today we’re doing something a little different. While only a few films I saw this year were abysmally bad, I saw more than my fair share of letdowns and bores. And now, for the first time ever, EFR Presents: The Top 10 Most “Meh” Films of 2019! (listed from least to most “meh.”) But I’ve introduced it enough, I think you guys get the idea.
10. Zombieland: Double Tap
Director: Ruben Fleischer Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin I didn’t expect very much out of this film, and I got pretty much exactly what I’d imagined. It’s got a few good jokes, a few good callbacks to the original, but overall, it’s just a bore. Maybe I would’ve enjoyed it seven years ago. And I really didn’t care for the “hippies are stupid and dumb” running gag. |
9. Ad Astra
Director: James Gray Starring: Brad Pit, Tommy Lee Jones, Sadness This movie is cinematic Nyquil. I kinda enjoyed the relaxing, hypnotic pacing as Brad Pitt mostly just wanders around space for two hours, and the cinematography is actually pretty damn solid. But my friends all hated this movie, the plot’s pretty dumb, and the metaphor about fathers and sons and generations and something else is simultaneously unoriginal and extremely heavy handed. I didn’t hate Ad Astra, but I’ll never watch it again. |
8. John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum
Director: Chad Stahelski Starring: Keanu Reeves, Halle Berry, Ian McShane, Laurence Fishburne Oooh, I’m gonna cop some flack for this one. Keanu’s awesome. The fight choreography is awesome. Halle Berry is… pretty cool. But hear me: this film has an absurd plot. The characters are mostly just treading water. I’m officially sick of the stupidly Shakespearean way everybody talks in these movies, like it’s a goddamn soap opera. Sure, the action is… interesting, but there’s nothing terribly innovative being done that Chapter 3’s predecessors didn’t do. And the final cliffhanger is one of the most frustratingly obtuse things I’ve seen in awhile. I didn’t hate Parabellum, but it felt like a step down from the phenomenal Chapter 2 in every way imaginable. I dunno. Maybe I just expect too much of this franchise. Sidenote: I have an unpublished review that was originally meant to be a “500 Words,” but it quickly devolved into me just bitching about the film for well past the word count. Will it ever see the light of day? Probably not, because who cares? |
7. The Lion King
Director: Jon Favreau Starring: Donald Glover, James Earl Jones, Beyonce, Chiwetel Ejiofor This is being thrown into a lot of “Worst of the Year” lists, and I’m having a hard time seeing why. Sure, it’s a shameless corporate nostalgia cash grab, but what isn’t these days? This film made an assload of money and I felt nothing. It’s not atrocious, but I can’t imagine anyone ever watching it again. |
6. Happy Death Day 2U
Director: Christopher Landon Starring: Jessica Rothe, Israel Broussard, Phi Vu, Suraj Sharma An unnecessary sequel to what was originally a really unique premise that worked perfectly as a one-off. I barely remember anything about this movie except that there’s time travel and I may’ve genuinely laughed once. But hey, I have a ticket stub, which means I must have seen it. |
And Now... A Brief Word about Cats
5. Spider-Man: Far From Home
Director: Jon Watts Starring: Tom Holland, Jake Gyllenhaal, Samuel L., Zendaya If we were to weight this list by my expectations going into the theater vs. my ambivalence leaving, there’s a strong case to be made for Far From Home as the most “meh” film of 2019. For a film that’s both a sequel to a superb original and a follow up to the biggest movie of all time, I really don’t understand why Far From Home was so aggressively underwhelming. It’s amusing enough. It’s mildly entertaining to watch. But the action is lame, the villain’s plan is nonsensical, and I really don’t understand all the hype over Jake Gyllenhaal as Mysterio. As one plus, I really like the relationship between Peter Parker and this version of MJ. It feels really authentic to what I know teen romance to be. Nevertheless, Spider-Man: Far From Home made me question whether or not I’ve outgrown Marvel movies. And that’s a really bad thing. |
4. Pet Semetary
Director: Kevin Kolsch & Dennis Widmyer Starring: Jason Clarke, Amy Seimetz, John Lithgow, Jete Laurence This movie builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and then just…. Nothin’. The trailers were fantastic and I figured, “Oh, Stephen King is a big deal right now. This should be great!” But it wasn’t great, it was just… meh. Hey, that Starcrawler cover of the original Ramones song is pretty cool, right? I don’t wanna be buried! In a Pet, Sematary! |
3. IT Chapter Two
Director: Andy Muschietti Starring: Jessica Chastain, James McAvoy, Bill Hader, Bill Skarsgard Coming in at Number Three is the other big Stephen King adaptation from this year, and… man. I just took a moment to have a solitary sigh over the squandered potential that was IT: Chapter Two. The 2017 original still holds up. It’s scary, funny, and heartwarming all at once, three things that IT: Chapter Two is not. “Oh, we don’t have a second act? Well, let’s make each character go on a copy-and-paste side quest to find a token that ultimately doesn’t matter anyway. That’ll stretch the film out to about… two and a half hours.” Bill Hader is the only thing giving this film half a pulse, and even he can’t save this slog from the depths of ennui. Maybe it’s not entirely the filmmaker’s fault. I’ve heard the part of the novel that Chapter Two follows is equally dull and nonsensical. But hey, the film made 472 million dollars. Somebody won here, but it wasn’t us. |
2. Captain Marvel
Director: Anna Boden & Ryan Fleck Starring: Brie Larson, Samuel L., Ben Mendelsohn, Jude Law Man, Marvel really went one for three this year, didn’t they? If you read my review way back when, you may recall that I was genuinely hyped for this film. A 90’s throwback that’s equal parts planet-hopping space romp and Bourne-esque amnesia thriller? Sign me up! But the film proved to be the same type of generic, bland, watered-down MCU fare that makes a strong case for so-called “superhero fatigue.” And I don’t wanna dive into the political BS around this film, but Captain Marvel seems to me to be a classic example of writers putting message before character, which typically makes for a pretty boring story. I also really didn’t care for the way they tried to sneakily make it so that Carol Danvers was an essential part of the team all along, unbeknownst to anyone else. It’s not terrible, it’s just… meh. |
1. Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker
Director: J.J. Abrams Starring: Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac I… I don’t know where to start. Months ago, the title of Episode IX was announced, and I thought I don’t know if this is gonna be very good. Then, the first trailer, the one that reintroduced ol’ Palpie was released, and I thought I don’t think this is gonna be very good. Then the initial reviews started coming out and it seemed like this movie wasn’t gonna be very good. And sure enough, The Rise of Skywalker isn’t very good. It’s hard to say I was let down by this movie when my expectations were already in the shitter; I expected the Star Wars equivalent of a Transformers movie and that’s pretty much what I got. There’s about an hour chunk in the middle of this movie, where Rey & Co. are zipping around from planet to planet looking for this MacGuffin and that MacGuffin, that’s actually mildly entertaining. There’s a little bit of intrigue, the action is cool, and the story is moving so quickly that you can hardly stop to ponder the logical inconsistencies. But by the time we get to the big third act finale - and the Emperor is cackling and thousands of ships are flying and blasters and horses and lightsabers and pew pew boom pow - well, let’s just say that I was checking the time with well over half an hour left. I vehemently meh’ed this movie, and it retroactively makes the sequel trilogy look pretty damn disappointing. I don’t know if Episode IX is interesting enough to devote an entire review to, but I’ll probably be doing some kind of sequel trilogy retrospective in the coming months. But until then, just know: I was entirely ambivalent after leaving this movie and I like it less and less by the day. The best thing about The Rise of Skywalker is getting to hear other, better reviewers tear it to shreds. |
Honorable “Meh”-ntion: Yesterday
Image & Info Sources
Zombieland: Double Tap IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt1560220/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
Ad Astra Poster:
m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZTllZTdlOGEtZTBmMi00MGQ5LWFjN2MtOGEyZTliNGY1MzFiXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyODk4OT
c3MTY@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg
Ad Astra IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt2935510/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum Poster: image.tmdb.org/t/p//w780//ejODG5DtqCVJm85XVt2BOxMrHxF.jpg
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt6146586/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
The Lion King 2019 Poster: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71pCGJSF0lL._AC_SY741_.jpg
The Lion King 2019 IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt6105098/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
Happy Death Day 2U Poster: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61eIIw1iRbL._AC_SY679_.jpg
Happy Death Day 2U IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt8155288/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_3
Cats Image: www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/NINTCHDBPICT000506910849.jpg
Spider-Man: Far From Home Poster: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51Ec5e2vz9L.jpg
Spider-Man: Far From Home IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt6320628/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
Pet Sematary Poster:
m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMjJiN2UwYWItNWJjNi00Zjg4LWE5NmItMmM4N2I3ZjY3OTY2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyODQxM
TI4MjM@._V1_.jpg
Pet Sematary IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt0837563/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
IT Chapter Two Poster:
m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BYTJlNjlkZTktNjEwOS00NzI5LTlkNDAtZmEwZDFmYmM2MjU2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjg2NjQ
wMDQ@._V1_.jpg
IT Chapter Two IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt7349950/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
Captain Marvel Poster: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71K3S%2BTk4OL._AC_SY606_.jpg
Captain Marvel IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt4154664/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
The Rise of Skywalker Poster: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61%2B62cKXIVL._AC_SY550_.jpg
The Rise of Skywalker IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt2527338/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
Yesterday Poster:
m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMjQ0NTI0NjkyN15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNzY0MTE0NzM@._V1_.jpg
Yesterday IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt8079248/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0
Joker GIF: media1.giphy.com/media/gLINSQaqjpqko/giphy.gif