Well, wait no longer! Today, we’ll count down ten of the biggest stinkers of 2018. But before we begin, a few disclaimers: firstly, these are all my objective opinions. Secondly, not all these films are terrible. In fact, I really enjoyed a couple of them, but we’ll get into that. So without further ado, let's countdown the Top 10 "Worst" Films of 2018!
10. The Meg
Director: Jon Turteltaub Starring: Jason Statham, Bingbing Li, Rainn Wilson, Cliff Curtis Ahh, The Meg. A well-produced, competently acted movie with just… pretty much the dumbest, most boilerplate plot ever. Nevertheless, I had a fu#king great time watching this movie! I was laughing for a decent percentage of the runtime, even if I was more often than not laughing at things meant to be taken seriously. I’m just beaming as I imagine the writing process of this movie… “Hey, let’s have Rainn Wilson, who so far has been a pretty measured, reasonable guy, take a sharp left turn into moustache-twirling, comic book villain territory.” “That’s great, let’s have him get his comeuppance literally two minutes later when he gets eaten alive!” At one point in the finale, the writers clearly realized there wasn’t enough carnage, so two news helicopters randomly collide and crash into a boat. In fact, that mangled fireball of burning helicopter is more or less the perfect metaphor for The Meg: chaotic, but strangely holds your attention. But seriously, even though I sh!t on The Meg, I really did enjoy this movie. Even if it was for mostly the wrong reasons. |
9. Venom
Director: Ruben Fleischer Starring: Tom Hardy, Michelle Williams, Riz Ahmed, Reid Scott Talk about post-ironic enjoyment of a film. Venom is the extreme 90’s antihero movie we so desperately needed in 2018. After seeing this movie, I described it to a friend as being one-third genuine enjoyment, one-third ironic enjoyment, and one-third checking my watch. There’s a surprising amount of good stuff here - Tom Hardy gives a really endearing, albeit cheesy as fu#k performance as Eddie Brock, and the relationship between him and the symbiote is both interesting and hilarious. But for all that, there’s also a lot to complain about - a ridiculously cartoonish villain in Riz Ahmed, a by-the-numbers superhero-origin-story plot, and a eye-rolling final battle between two grayscale blobs on the side of a rocket ship. That aside, this movie did feature maybe my biggest laugh of the year, with Tom Hardy leaping into a lobster tank and biting the head off of what I really, really hope was a live lobster as he makes weird, possessed-man noises. And that’s worth the price of admission alone. |
8. The Nun
Director: Corin Hardy Starring: Demian Bichir, Taissa Farminga, Jonas Bloquet, Bonnie Aarons An origin story for a creepy demon that scared the sh!t outta me back in The Conjuring 2? Sure, why not? The Nun is predictable, derivative, full of cheap jump scares, and perhaps the biggest offense of all… just kinda boring. It’s not abjectly terrible. It’s just nothing. Characters make ridiculous decisions, there’s a lot of confusion about just what this demon can actually do/is actually doing, and they don’t even do anything interesting with the Nun. I assumed the main character would end up possessed by the Nun, and for a second in the finale it looks like things are going this way, but then the screenwriters clearly got cold feet and they back off. Plus, an ancient vial of actual Jesus blood saves the day. As a Catholic, I’m pretty sure that’s not how Jesus blood works… but whatever. It’s probably not worth arguing about. |
7. Insidious: The Last Key
Director: Adam Robitel Starring: Lin Shaye, Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson, Kirk Avocado (sorry, Acevedo...) Another schlocky horror film, this was actually the first release of the year I saw. And like The Nun, it’s not terrible. It’s just totally unmemorable; in fact, I’d be hard-pressed to tell you what exactly I disliked so much about this film. All I remember is that we had a couple very loud patrons sitting behind us in the theater, and I had way more fun listening to their commentary on the plot than anything that was actually happening onscreen. |
6. The Cloverfield Paradox
Director: Juius Onah Starring: Gugu Mbatha-Raw, David Oyelowo, Daniel Bruhl, Elizabeth Debicki Wow, another horror movie… sorta? I was really psyched for The Cloverfield Paradox, and after Netflix surprise-dropped it after Super Bowl LII (definitely had to Google which superbowl that was), I added it to my queueueueueueueueue that night. But again, it’s mostly just a disappointing nothing of a movie. A bunch of creepy, kinda unsettling shit happens, some stuff blows up probably, and the movie ends? Also, some guy had worms inside of him. And now I don’t know what’s in the works for Cloverfield. I hope they stick with it, because I really like the idea of an anthology franchise. It’s just a shame this one landed with such an abject thud. |
5. Skyscraper
Director: Rawson Marshall Thurber Starring: Dwayne "A Rock" Johnson, Neve Campbell, Chin Han, Roland Moller Man, I’m really sick of talking about these dull, uninteresting movies. Can we get to the really shitty stuff yet? Anyway, Skyscraper. That was a movie, right? Probably. I don’t know guys, it works as a PG-13, watered down version of Die Hard about as well as any of the actual PG-13, watered down Die Hard sequels. My younger brother really loved it, and I can’t hate the movie too much because of that. But for my money, there’s just better stuff out there. |
4. Solo: A Star Wars Story
Director: Phil Lord & Chris Miller... wait, not them... Ron Howard Starring: Alden Ehrenreich, Harry Woodelson, Emilia Clarke, Paul Bettany I’ve got some very mixed thoughts on this movie. Most of it was still, just super dull and uninteresting. I did really like Alden Ehrenreich as a younger iteration of the infamous smuggler, but that’s about all I liked in Solo. I was mostly just bored by this movie, spare some outrage at a few really bizarre plot decisions at the end…. *coughDarthMaulcough* But the real trap Solo follows into is one that has derailed countless prequels and origin stories: it does absolutely nothing new with its central character. Han Solo in this is no different from the Han we see in A New Hope; in fact, he might be a little more of a “good guy” at the end of this than when we actually meet him in Mos Eisley! Yeah, now I’m getting heated. The bottom line is: if you’re gonna do a prequel, you have to give some compelling character growth to justify it. Solo does none of that. Instead, we get this safe, produced-by-committee story and a bunch of ham-fisted tie-ins to the original trilogy. Damn, I’m sure glad we still have nearly a year’s break before Episode IX. |
3. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Director: J. A. Bayona Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rafe Spall, Justice Smith I really liked the first Jurassic World; in fact, I’d probably sooner rewatch that movie than the original Jurassic Park just because the pacing is faster and I’m a affluent millennial with the attention span of an ADD cockroach. But Fallen Kingdom is just a total disappointment on nearly all levels. The characters are flat, boring, and just flat-out stupid - lemme explain. We get a seemingly unique take on genetically created dinosaurs, which is basically Hey, maybe these things are decent and deserve protection too. But that’s just wrong! Not to mention, nothing happening in this movie makes any goddamn sense. And there’s human clones…? I think that was a plot point. The bottom line is, Fallen Kingdom is lowest-common-denominator, studio blockbuster filmmaking at its absolute worst. Put that on your goddamn Blu-Ray box cover. |
2. The Happytime Murders
Director: Brian Henson Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Elizabeth banks, Maya Rudolph, Leslie David Baker Just… the biggest eye roll of the year. All the characters are bad people, and they’re not even compelling. This movie definitely has an interesting concept - I’ll grant it that small praise. But an interesting concept doesn’t directly translate to an interesting movie, you have to do something with it. The Happytime Murders didn’t do that; instead, it constantly went for the low-hanging fruit of Muppets having sex. And that gets old after like, the third joke, guys. Good try though. |
1. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
Director: David Yates, a.k.a. The Guy Who Made The Last Six Harry Potter Films Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Jonathan "Abusive A-Hole" Depp, Ezra Miller, Zoe Kravitz A little peek behind the curtain, I actually had this as my second least favorite movie on the original draft of this list, but fu#k it, I’m promoting (demoting?) it to number one. Why the change? Mostly just because of the sheer amount of mind-bendingly baffling decisions made in the writing of this movie. Seriously, this is BVS-levels of bad in terms of unsolicited, out-of-left-field “what the f#ck?!” Moments. Hang on, lemme check… was Zak Snyder involved in this at all? Nope, so that’s not even a valid excuse. Okay, so anyways. Usually, a screenplay will feature a main character that the plot centers around, and they have to make important and increasingly difficult decisions to move the story forward. Fantastic Beasts and Where Are They Now? Doesn’t do that. Instead, we’re treated to a series of borderline vignettes as different groups of wizards bumble their way through this muddled, incredibly unclear plot. And guess what? I’m pretty sure the story all hinges on a dead baby who we never meet during the course of this movie. Or maybe I misunderstood that… I’m not gonna lie, I saw this movie twice, and I fell asleep at different points in each. Because it’s also just soooo boring. And then Johnny Depp gives a speech about how the atomic bomb is bad, a graveyard explodes, and the good guys win by literally fighting fire with fire. God, this movie is incomprehensible. And I haven’t even mentioned how Dumbledore is handled in this movie or how wrong it is. Basically, he’s got the same problem as Han Solo in Solo. And then there’s that whole Creedence twist, which seems to be thrown in as a dramatic “To Be Continued…” moment without any actual forethought as to how that might mess up the fabric of your universe. Whatever, consider me officially checked out of the Fantastic Beasts series. The only somewhat redeemable thing about The Crimes of Grumblyfumb is that I do love the world of Harry Potter, and I’ll always enjoy on some level spending more time in it. But what a big misstep this movie was, and from a franchise with a very good record. |
That'll do it for my Top 10 Worst Movies of 2018, check out my Best of 2018 or 2018 Bucket List for more end-of-the-year stuff. Thanks for reading!
Image & Info Sources
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The Meg IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt4779682/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Venom poster:
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Venom IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt1270797/?ref_=nv_sr_1
The Nun poster:
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The Nun IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt5814060/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Insidious: The Last Key poster:
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Insidious: The Last Key IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt5726086/?ref_=nv_sr_1
The Cloverfield Paradox poster:
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The Cloverfield Paradox IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt2548396/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Solo: A Story Wars Story poster:
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Solo: A Star Wars Story IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt3778644/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom poster:
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Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt4881806/?ref_=nv_sr_1
The Happytime Murders Poster:
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The Happytime Murders IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt1308728/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald Poster:
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Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald IMDb: www.imdb.com/title/tt4123430/?ref_=nv_sr_1